Being a “thinker”, an analyzer of my life, it is not uncommon for me at this time of year to reflect on the year that so quickly went by; reflect on my life, and what my hopes are for the future. As I do this now, I feel a twinge of sadness and pangs of uncertainty moving forward. Despite my feelings, time will move on of course and so its here and now I must make some peace with it.
It is not just another year that comes to a close, but a whole decade, my 30’s. My 20’s had primarily been a very dark time, with many deep struggles of heart, life and God. I floundered, had gone my whole life being undiagnosed with anxiety disorder until my later 20’s. So when 30 approached I began to see hope, new experiences on the horizon and the years proved to be just that; hopeful, fun and purposeful! My 30’s of course were not without struggle or hurt by no means, but it was a far cry from my 20’s. Now, 40 is 2 weeks away and as I said I’m a little sad, and apprehensive, not quite as hopeful as with 30.
My life, by no one’s standards would say is rough or bad. I have a great husband, 3 healthy kids-its all very picture perfect as they say. But what makes me uneasy is that some of the very things I wanted so badly to change throughout my 20’s and 30’s still remain in my life today-to varying degrees, but nonetheless remain. And its not been for a lack of trying to resolve them. Some relationships are still a struggle no matter how I’ve tried to make them right. Some questions still ring out in my mind of “Who am I and what’s my purpose?” (While I’ve grown closer to solid answers on those, I’m not yet comfy in my own skin.) Some insecurities that I’m so tired of fighting still linger as well. I don’t know what I was thinking, that suddenly at 40 I would have it all together? No. It’s more just being tired of the old stuff I can’t fix and change and not knowing what the future holds, and if they’ll ever be fixed at all.
Perhaps I should take a new approach to fighting the insecurities, a new approach to mending the broken relationships, and earnestly seek the answers to the questions of who I am. I am not sure. I guess I just didn’t expect to feel as I do as 40 rapidly approaches. But life is life and expectations are often not met. And so at this moment the only thing I know for sure is that I will not walk alone. No matter what hurts, or falls apart around me, I know God is holding me. He sees my hurt and my tears. There are times when that just doesn’t feel true, like yesterday as I sat in church and sobbed quietly in the back as the pastor delivered words of encouragement to trust God even when it hurts. For a moment I wondered if following Him was worth all the heartache, worth all the frustration of things I can’t make right. Of course the moment passed and the new mercies of this morning tell me once again He IS trustworthy no matter how much it hurts. He is the ONLY one who loves me with an everlasting love. He is the one who holds the future, my future, my 40’s and however many more breaths He gives me. He is the God of all things, and even now as I write these words though they do not feel true, they ARE true. And while the pain in my heart over certain matters remains, God’s love remains truer still. God does love me and He IS good, no matter the outcome. So ready or not 2014 and 40, here I come….trusting God!